31 December 2008


I want to be comfortably acknowledged and aboveboard and NOT something to be ashamed of and hidden! That is my New Year's wish.

28 December 2008

day 5

O ridge walks! Without packs, kids can motor. We made 7.5 miles in 3.5 hours and came out on the other side in high spirits and had a snowball fight. Hot, clear, occasionally breezy. Great vistas. Olympus opened his heart to us today, a rare glimpse into that remotest part of America. On one side mountain and tree, rock and valley, and on the other, views out to the sea beyond. Ediz hook, Mt Constitution, a hundred thousand tiny lives under our feet. We drove back and down, ate ice cream and returned to our campsite for a rest and a counselor talk. Mac n Cheese on Blue Mountain with an unbeatable sunset. I am thankful for this trip. For the beauty and they company and they testing of my endurance. We will make tomorrow work. It is always a little tense in the car on the last day, a combination of exhaustion and confined space and a longing for camp. My child has a nosebleed! Conrad is on it. Hoorah. They don't hate my music either, which is stunning. My feet hurt. I kept thinking of poetical things to write but I cannot remember them now. There was a moment while I hiked though a sunny forest today when we came to an opening in the trees, and the warm air rising brought me the smell of fresh baked pie in the middle of here. Spices and berry and the butter flour brown of the crust coming from nothing more than rock and dirt, bark and flower blooms falling away on the hillside below.

day 4

I almost had a bad tripper moment. Today we hiked into camp only to discover that it was dry and waterless, which would have been bad planning and very embarrassing. Solved when I went on a search and found a lovely little creek. I was so glad I ran to it saying silly things out loud and splashed my face to prove it was real. Olivia cried today, we walked uphill, the group bonded, the view is super awesome, there is a lion kind rock hanging out over forested valley and looking across to a wall of glaciated peaks. There was a burn here in 1988 and the tree skeletons tower over flowered meadow with lupine and yarrow and yellow asters, framing my photographs with wooden, twisting forms. I've changed our trip itinerary somewhat--making it hopefully a little easier for everyone. I am excited for tomorrow, though not for waking up early. Possibly ice cream tomorrow, and driving. As Annabelle pointed out, there is a huge waxing gibbous moon, glowing in the sunset, the last rays touching only the tops of each mountain and hill. Conrad made fun of my hair and fingernails today. Mean boys. I feel like this trip has been rather blessed and I am hesitant to talk about it lest I break the spell. I am very grateful.

day 3

As I was walking today, there was a lot of random thoughts about different leaves and how they remind me of pretty clothing--lace and pleats and youth. We walked by an SCA crew doing trail work, which made me really happy in a nostalgic sort of way. Followed the river down to Three Forks, where mountain fed streams come together and a mysterious mineral springs is marked on the map but not in person. I saw a tree frog today but not much else in the way of wildlife. There was a section of trail that went through a stand of old douglas fir, all broken off at ten feet up and slowly rotting away and the red heart of the tree showed. It was a solemn sort of graveyard of a forest, though not sad. These kids don't eat so much, probably because I am actually making them work. We may switch around our game plan for the last day's hike. I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time not to think ahead too much--hours on the trail can go by really slowly sometimes. I love my chill campers and my gazelle of a co counselor, though I am anxious sometimes, wanting to know/keep his good opinion as a trip leader and a person. With Conrad it is sometimes hard to tell. The roar of distant airplanes reminds me that it is difficult to be totally cut off from real life no matter how we try.

day 2

At Lower Cameron? There is some debate. A rehab group is here and they thought it was upper cameron so we are squeezed in. I am almost too tired to write. Too tired to be poetical. It is easy to gauge the kid's moods by the amount of chatter on the trail. We have some talkers in this group and when even they can't think of things to say, you know that we are tired. Seven miles today but the last two seemed to take forever and then we passed by our unmarked campsite and didn't stop until we hit the tumbled down cameron shelter, whereupon a tan and grizzled man with a chainsaw and a fresh faced young boy told up to go back. I love mountain passes and ridge walks, which i think i inherited from my stint on Mt. Rainier. I thought of the Tibetan blessing for safe crossing but didn't have any barley flour. We are chasing time in a backwards fashion on this trip. Holding on to the past by ascending in elevation. The higher you go the earlier in the summer it is, until you start to find the last of the spring beauties at 6000ft and cross over and down in to the next valley. All of the flowers make a lush and riotous carpet for us and perfume the air until it is a sunny haze of pretty pictures. Today was the day of the marmot. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day of the mountain goat? I look forward to new surprises and getting into camp much earlier.

day 1

Moose Lake, in group site number three, with a very curious herd of deer and a pretty chill group of campers. I'm tired--we woke up at 5 and made all of our ferrys and walked 4.2 miles on Lillian ridge down into grand valley to our campsite. They didn't eat enough and now we have garbage to pack out. It was misty and partly cloudy with a wind up on the ridge that cooled our sweating backs, heavy with uneaten food and gear and expectations. The kids discovered today that downhill hurts more than up and huckleberries are not salal, and hopefully they are all binding in their tents before falling deeply asleep. The road out here was an adventure-safari-trek ride from Universal Studios, with big mountains popping out of the mist and wildflowers, and general hold-on-to-your seats beauty and fear. We hit snow 15 minutes into our walk today and snowballs were thrown. See? I keep my promises. Conrad is very tired, so I am writing fast. I hope Goldie's prediction (something going very wrong on 2nd session senior trips) doesn't come true for any of us. Maybe mountain goats and sun tomorrow? I am hoping. I love the mountains...I miss them on the islands or in the city. I am a subalpine meadow type of girl. So many last minute wishes for this trip and this summer but the sky is cloudy so no stars to wish upon. Everything is poetry here--it is hard to encompass it with words or a camera or even memory.

26 December 2008


The two classes I am scheduled to take for wintersession are: General Biology Lab from 10:30 to 12 and Fundamentals of Biological Psychology from 1 to 4. I am very (extremely) iffy about this class. One (1) it might be way over my head and two (2) I kind of want some free time to see people. Or person. But then, I don't want to be too available, or make anyone hang out with me that may feel like they need a break. And I do need the science credit. So I will make myself go to the first day to see if I can hack it.

Other things for wintersession: revamp resume. Remind myself how very awkward I am at rockclimbing. Possibly drive a little. Meet for Guys and Dolls, prep for Guys and Dolls. Spend a lot of time watching good tv or spending quality time with friendly people. Clean my room, pay rent, fret about my future.

22 December 2008

in my childhood bedroom with my parents across the hall

I wish that the East Coast wasn't so far away from the West Coast. Sometimes, America is just too big. Or airline prices are too high. Whichever. I actually ventured out of the house to-day, and horror of horrors, Goodwill Outlet was closed. All of my hopes were crushed. I mean, what could possibly be more fun then giant bins of random clothing and bags for $1.30 a pound. Especially when those bins contain such treasures as hydration packs and silk long underwear and hiking pants. I was going to try to find some amusing things for my Montana outdoorsy friends, who don't mind second-hand gear. But no, they were Closed Due to Weather.

Happy solstice, and happy hannukah! I think I am going to experiment with a mixed potato/sweet potato latke soon. I made mac n cheese from scratch for luch today, and it was ooey gooey and delicious. I have been spending most of my time staring at lightweight gear lists, reading about NOLS experiences, and adding things to my shopping cart at amazon.com, without any real intention of buying anything. Also listening to many audio books. I can't get to the post office to send off the rest of my present/packages, so if you are feeling unloved, know that eventually your wishes will be fullfilled, though the homemade cookies may be stale by then.

19 December 2008

csi and personal questions

I don't feel very healthy. I wish I could feel fit and healthy and slim and energetic, but I am snowbound, and far away from any gym or motivation to go outside and with too much access to unheathy food. My tv is telling me that VPL (visible panty lines) are a DON'T. I never would have guessed.

Would anyone like to rent snowshoes from REI and go adventuring up the Rattlesnake with me when I get back from snowy Seattle?

Any opinions? Shorter bangs, sidesweepy bangs, or no bangs at all? I'm at the point where I have to cut or grit my teeth for a few weeks.

17 December 2008

starting to think of to-dos

I am now eating food again! Yay me! Right now, I am all dressed up, going to go and do some family/work thing, and then hopefully convince my mother that Goodwill Outlet is where it's at, because I want to go back. There is maybe a holiday party this evening, transportation pending, and mail to send in a hurry, and postcards to write. Things of that nature. I need to revamp my resume.

You know the brilliant idea that hits you right before you fall asleep? One of those hit me last night but it was way too cold out to disarrange my careful collection of fleece throws and get up from my bed/couch. Sigh. So hopefully it will hit me again and I will notice it and jot it down.

14 December 2008

longing for something

I wish I could enjoy some sweet potato fries. I wish I had a short little holiday dress. I wish I had someone to kiss on New Year's eve.

I hate being sick.

11 December 2008


I've finished my last official final of the semester. I have that I-need-to-cut-my-hair feeling right now. The problem is, I want to cut it and I also want it to be longer. I want to make mix cds, and cannot because of my stupid computer. But there is music I want to share and people I want to share it with. Before I leave, I need to buy me some more Moose Drool, and I need to pack, and tidy my house, and there is one or two more papers to write. At home some of my projects will be: making cookies to send off in care packages with my aunt. Making mini pies in little jars for presents, finishing up my amazing wristy cuff fabric things, organizing all of my outdoor gear, and scouring thrift stores for more outdoorsy and in general cute things. I've got to keep myself busy this holiday break, or I'm afraid I will fall into melancholy.

09 December 2008

randomness and mac n' cheese

Um, so because I need to be working on my finals, which are scary and looming, I'm going to instead post a list of baby names that I current like, for one reason or another. Not that I'm planning on babies anytime soon, but maybe in ten years, I will be able to look back and remind myself of a great name. Or something. Feel free to comment and be snarky.



I hope I amused you. I've loved naming things for a very long time. I still have the 1987 baby name book my parents had from when they were trying to name me.

08 December 2008


So it's nice that people are trying to be nice to me. But right now, I don't want to go out to dinner, I don't want to go to a surprise party, and I don't want to have to socialize with a whole bunch of people. I am feeling glum and tired and like I need to study for my finals tomorrow. The only thing I want to do is curl up on a couch with myself, or maybe one or two others and watch some mindless tv and eat something unfussy like mac n cheese, or a grilled cheese sandwich. I've been around too many people for too long, and need some alone time to return to any sort of equilibrium. Also, I don't fake surpirse well at all, and will dissapoint all that are hoping to surprise me. I like to know about the surprises, but don't really like being truely surprised. It's too often unpleasant. And why the Depot? I was just there. Too much Depot. Need a change of scene. And it is late, and I haven't eaten and it is inconvientant, and I feel guilty for not being happy about because I am not appreciative of all the niceness. GRR.

03 December 2008

and that's just this week

Two shows down, one more today. Five more left.

Portfolio review: print photos, print resume, print paperwork, get blurbs, mount photos, iron fabric, write philosophy bits.

Theater History final: study notes, read review notes, look at pictures, read Brockett book.

Acting final: memorize lines, meet with group, find props and costume.

Meet with Jere, and Annie

Go to auditions

Panic. In general.