05 December 2009

Short List

Listening to: The Splendid Table.
Ready: to go.
Craving: Chocolate Mousse.
Making: Caramel Apple Pie.
Crazy Family Project: Giant Rose done in Christmas Lights.
Feeling: Slightly Unstable.
Have too much: Hair.
Learning about: Varnish, Sailboat Kitchens, Eskimo Rolls.

25 November 2009

two excerpts from LDP journal

We are standing in front of the rig. The sun has just risen, and the day is not yet warm. One by one, we struggle into our packs, bending and lifting and twist our way into the piles of stuff, asking each other, “Can you make sure those baguettes are underneath the bungees?” and, “I can take those hazel hoes, but I can’t bend down to get them. Help me?” Walking carefully so as not to overbalance, we maneuver ourselves into some semblance of a group. We hand cameras to Greg, our Forest Service contact, and smile (or at least grimace) as he documents our first moments on the job. Leadership Development Program is hiking in. We know that the trail is only two miles long, and that it is unmaintained, and that we’re to go to “the bottom of the draw—there’s plenty of flagging.” A person can carry anything for two miles, especially when it is all down hill. This is what we think, and according to our information, the group sets off singing. We are the workers from Northwest Youth Corps/ We have to go on hiking although we’re really sore/ We’ve got to hold up the bloodstained Pulaski/ Got to hold it up until we die…This cheerful and uplifting song is our anthem, to be sung for us many times, on many long hikes. But this is the first of them, and the worst. Five hours later, we stumble into camp. We will be pulling inch long thorns from our scalps and thighs for days afterward. It was a rough introduction to the joys of life on the mountain. Heat, logs blocking the trail, disappearing trail, endless amounts of trail, switching back and forth down the mountain, bushes with thorns, shrubs with thorns, and dead black, charred and twisted trees towering over us. We made it. It did not fully crush our spirits, as our Forest Service contact gleefully predicted it would do. In an altered state of numbness, we rounded the last bend, shed our packs, stood trembling for a moment, and then folded up silently on a downed log. Sitting there together, the crew looked off into the distance, then down into the gray dirt, then at each other. “We’ve got to hike back to the last stream and get water. Who wants to go?”

Tense your muscles. Twist your body. Feel the edge of the grubber bite into the dirt. It’s a good feeling, because this is good dirt. Not too many rocks. Rip back the grass, exposing a wide strip of dark brown earth. Reset. Stop when you reach the other edge of the trail. Kick the dirt and the grass and the small rocks off the trail, away from the edge. Examine your work. Kick at any stubborn piece of greenery marring the dark expanse. Take one step to the right. Repeat. Ask your crew members around your for stories, for recipes, for advice on love, for future plans, for favorite baby names. Their voices keep you going. There are times when it is pleasant to be working alone with your thoughts, silent and mechanical, so absorbed in your work and private meditations that time does not pass, or passes quickly. You’re not sure which, but it doesn’t matter either way. Right now is not one of those times. Right now is early afternoon, nearing the break that your crew will not take because they would rather end fifteen minutes early. Right now, you need to talk, to joke and laugh, and take long pauses to chug water, and in a few minutes, take long pauses to hike down the trail to pee. Pry at a big rock in the trail with your grubber. Kick at the big rock until it loosens. Pry at it some more. Sigh and carefully set your grubber aside. Bend down, feel your muscles complain about this new movement. Dig out the rock, trying not to put any new holes in your gloves. Throw the rock down the hill and listen to the satisfying crash, crunch, crash, as it rolls down to the streambed far below. Only two more hours.

21 November 2009

striped shoes and children's classics

I am going back and forth between two modes of being. One, I am impatient and restless, feeling slightly trapped and wanting to go, go, go. I am packed, prepared, and wondering how to leave sooner. Two, I am happy and content, waiting and enjoying the Seattle rain and mindless tv, not wanting to rush into serious things, knowing that they are coming soon enough. At times I am very young and stupid and superficial, focused too much on material items, lacking depth or interest or allure. Other times I am mature and want only to make others happy, spoiled, to understand how they think and ask questions that reveal more about what makes them work. I've been switching between these modes hourly in the past few days. It's a bit dizzy-making.

12 November 2009

Dodging Winter

It's been a long time, hasn't it? But I am back, taking things slow and moving into another transition period. Right now I am in Oakland, California, at Mills College. Sitting in a dorm room right now and trying to think of a to-do list. Well, I should write a new resume, a thank you note, and...it's an odd feeling to not have an extremely long to-do list and not to be overwhelmingly busy. I've gotten to sit in on some classes and lectures, eat at the dining hall, read in the library. It really does confirm that I want to go back to school before long. It also makes me miss Missoula, especially Missoula in the fall before the cold weather starts.

I'm just getting back from my adventure in Arizona, where I sweated and hiked and ate a lot of dirt. We had a great crew of people, five girls and three boys, all hard workers with a sense of humor and enough creativity to make even the most tedious tasks worth while. Trailcrew...I would do it again, but maybe not under the same circumstances. It felt really great the last two weeks when I realized that I could work nine hours, physically moving and lifting and lopping and boot-o-matic-ing, and have at least a little bit of energy left. I still went to bed at seven when I could, though.

Next adventure is starting to draw close, and I am impatient for it to happen. I'm ready to go now. Well, maybe I need a few more days in Seattle to purchase some schriacha sauce...

22 September 2009


Today was difficult. We set off with favorable conditions, and for the first time I was in one of the singles, Tropic Thunder. Learning to be lead boat, staying stable, steering without a rudder were all part of the challenge of today, which was then compounded by adding in the wild open ocean. Walls of water and a big chop, the wind against me all the way--it made for a wild ride. I still have not reached my optimum kayaking endurance level and pushed past my limits and into the land of dogged misery. Ken and Gene traded off babysitting and body guarding duties, which meant I was never unsafe, but not being able to switch out or take a decent break with food, water, sunscreen or stretching equalled one furiously tired and grumpy girl. At the end I ever started to get seasick, which never happens, and hopefully will never happen again. I was so slow paddling but it meant that at the very end, when Ken asked for a go, I could paddle like crazy and ride the breakers in to a perfect first controlled landing. I am glad today is nearly over but I also think it was an important day for me and for the group. Now we are here at 3rd beach, the rollers crash into a curving sand beach, dry skies, a beautiful stream of fresh water, grassy field for tents, rocks rising up out of the sand in shattered formations, and the charry smell of a driftwood fire. Ever cooking tonight was calming and low stress. The boats are safely moored, the tent is up, and I am in good spirits after a calming cup of tea and a chat with the fearless leaders. I tried to bathe in the creek earlier, but Dr. Bronners is as poor at hair cleaning as I remember. There have been some unusual prints in the sand, some sort of large canid? and I wish I could ID it for a bear or wolf or dog. Tomorrow we will move on along this rugged coast. Never did I think that I would ever see the wild shore of the Northwest Coast from both the land and the sea. Life moves in interesting patterns.


I am hiding in the woods in order to concentrate and also to hide from the sand and gnats and various other distractions. I can hear the crash of the waves at high tide and see the cheerful colors of our circus tarp peaking through the leaves. Gale force winds were predicted for today and and instead we were given calm water, gentle rain, and a favorable current. While I do not mind rain while paddling, it has made for a cold and messy beach camp, with sand everywhere and everyone slightly out of sorts. We switched cook and tent groups today, dispersing us girls into the wider group. I am not perfectly happy but it could be worse. Last night was some stereotypical girl bonding night talk. in honor of the last time we will truly be together. Today, paddling in the rain and mist and fog shrouded peaks just showing and deep cut valleys hidden from us, we paddled swiftly in a pod, followed by harbor seals, watched by lofty eagles, and examined by families of sea otters. We are now on the outer shore, and the ocean swells begin to lift our boats up and set them down gently in the next trough. This is Neptune at his most benign and I relished the travel today. The swells turned to white sprays of plume on the outlying rocks and small islands scattered around us like a child's imaginary world, untouched and sized so to offer endless exploration and still be home to the castle by supper time. Through the rock gardens we picked our way, at times poling through the matted seaweed like a pirouge down the bayou. Tomorrow is even longer than today, and many things are dependant on forces beyond us. The only thing we can do is live in the moment, plan for tomorrow, and accept the obstacles that are thrown in our way as learning exercises.

14 September 2009

planning for the future

Seattle Children's Theater
ACT Theater
Alaska Sea Kayaking Rangers
Amazing Grace Tall Ship
America's Test Kitchen
Backroads Trip Leaders
Sierra Club
Nature Conservancy
Girl Scouts
Organic Farms
High Mountain Institute
Cascade Land Conservancy
Naturalists at Large
North Cascades Wilderness School
North Cascades Institute
Northwest Service Academy
Parks and Recreation
Port of Seattle
Schooner Zodiac
Sierra Club
Camp Seymour

Some of the jobs and internships and companies I've been looking at. The one that I feel most suited for, and most excited for, is Logistics Coordinator with Salish Seas, working with sail boats and kids and getting things ready behind the scenes. I'm trying to rewrite my resume for something outside of the theater world, and it is slow going. It seems a daunting task, pointing out all my good points, asking someone to like me. Hope for the best.

11 September 2009

6 sticks of butter

1. Lemon Tart with pretty cut out hearts and candied lemon peel
1. Upside-down wine-plum cake (cross your fingers that it works out, still in the process)
4. Peach baby Dutch Babies, not so pretty, so I ate them
2. Couches that I have to carry up and down stairs
Lots. Of things to mail to lots of people

Also, dinner invites to arrange. Packing to finish for St. Louis. Exciting phone calls to wait for. Despite there being lemon juice and a fruit sticker in my hair, for once it is curling under on both sides instead of flipping out like a crazy-person's hair. So that is good too. There is a good breeze for sailing out on the sound today.

06 September 2009


Listening to world music, lounging in bed, reading the Sunday funnies, getting ready to say my goodbyes. It is the end of the summer, it is the end of the summertime adventures, time to return to real life, check in with friends and family, plan for the southern hemisphere summer, start projects and forward-looking future things, and try to stay busy and happy and full of emails and the occasional phone call.

24 August 2009


I am hungry and waiting for dinner, self-banished from the kitchen for three meals so that my cook group can become more self sufficient in the kitchen. At the moment they are figuring out white rice. Not very successfully from what I hear. Today we stayed at Garden Point in order to improve our stroke skill sets, learn about weather, have environmental show and tell. When I look above me there is a grillwork of branches, lacy cedar leaves, drying paddle jackets, and a corner of the tarp of higher learning. Close by are the calm voices of the instructors and the campfire glows and crackles beyond. Sitting in a single kayak for the first time today emphasized the need to really sit up straight. The girls are keeping up a running commentary that is distracting and would be hilarious if I wasn't A.) Hungry and B.)tired and out-of-sorts. I was so looking forward to rice and soy sauce and changing plans at the last moment
is not something I am graceful at. I should make water for tomorrow and prep my gear for easy packing early in the morning. I am not sure why such a sense of despondency is hovering about me, but a good sleep will hopefully send it flying. I IDed a lodgepole pine today
from remembering. Burke would be proud. Out here on the coast Pinus contorta is called shore pine, but whether Montana or Canada, a tree is a tree is a tree. Sometimes things seem to hover at the brink of disaster and Gene just sits there calmly, observing from his corner. He thinks I am hard to read and I often feel the same about him. Ah cabbage, the friendly plant. On our first day, there were some sort of biting gnats and as the days go on I seem to discover more and more damage those little creatures did to my feet and hands. I definitely have not eaten very well today, what should have been a day of feasting. Half a bagel with butter, three gingerbread pancakes, and a peanut butter Cliff bar. Possibly caramels later. Cross your fingers. I asked for criticism today and I got it and it was very fair but also very hard to totally monitor. My shut up reminder has returned to my hand, and I only hope that my role in the group is
not too set in any way.

17 August 2009


A quiet journal writer under a sheltering cedar, a sleeping instructor, boat boat for a pillow, two giggling girls lounging in the sand talking about nothing important. A wide sand and cobble beach, and island that offers exploring at low tide, the high chirrups of a bald eagle perched in a snag above me. Wild roses grow and bloom here and the sand is studded with shells of all sorts, some familiar, some exotic. We have an hour more of this quiet time before our evening lesson. The girls say fries and quesidillas for dinner. Okay quick impressions, not nesscarily accurate--Berek, the southern "gentleman"--Alex, the captain of the crew team--Wendall, the odd one--Camille, a little spoiled--Bethany, the princess--Sam, Thoreau--Jon, the child--Ryan, slightly clueless, utterly normal--Me, wilderness girl--Parks, who is fab-u-lous. Today we paddled to Garden Point and Sam behind me we made it a goal not to run into any other boat. When I started to distract myself with songs and games the paddling pain was easy to put aside, but I am afraid my stroke still needs adjusting, for everyone else seems to be complaining of sore abs, and I haven't felt the muscles working there. Perhaps it is because I have no muscles there to speak of. We are staying here tomorrow, with skill building and lessons to fill the day. I feel as though the other girls are beginning to leave me behind. I suppose I am letting them do it and the future is in my hands with this situation, but I was a little annoyed this evening for I feel as though they are slow to do so many group things for they know I will get impatient and do it for them. Still it is a minor situation.


Unexpected delays, an imperfect campsite, a quiet group of travelers make up the sum of today, due to an upside down single and the somewhat tense rescue. The fact that she did not shrug it off as no big deal reminded us of how fragile our shell of protection is against the wiles of wild Canadia. With a fierce wind picking up against us, we stopped two miles short of our goal today and made camp at a place that is at once wild and holds the firm print of human habitation. Where our camp last night was like a homey site set aside for us, today's camp is something from the end-of-days, post-apocalyptic in scope, with huge concrete supports rising from the water, twisted rusted iron all that is left of the thing it once supposed. Behind me a strange bird crys, "Hoohwah-Hoohwah-Hoo," a new sound, as so many things are new to me on this trip. And yet I know I will learn and adapt to this enviroment, for it is in my nature to be fluid and melleable to the situation at hand. My hands are swollen and sunburnt, we are making pizza tonight, we were given the how to poop in the woods talk, which is amusing no matter how many times you have heard it. Gene said today that I was hard to read, he couldn't tell if I was having a good time. I am, but the switch hasn't come as it did on my WFR class where I learnt how to show it properly without any know it all quality or other negativity creeping in where I don't mean it to be. More after dinner. In the even ing the clouds have started moving in, forcing me to throw up a rainfly, not stormproofed, but at least it will save me a trip outside at 2am. We were thinking of going without tonight, but those clouds make me nervous and I can hear Gene listening to the weather on the VHF radio which makes me think he is nervous too. I learned about black twinberry today and drank camomile tea, and now I am ready for bed. The ground is unusually lumpy tonight. My tentmates are still out and about, full of energy and unnaturally chipper.

25 July 2009

Four Winds

At camp, soon to be heading down to dinner. Life at camp in a nutshell: busy, frustrating, magical, beautiful, exciting, rewarding, and topsy-turvy. Life outside of camp is partially scary and partially going so well that it is almost scary in its own way. There is much of the wondering of futures, and much of the planning of adventures, and much of the wishing that things were clearer and simpler, though I don't think I would have as many moments of complete contenment and joy in that version of my life. Lifeguarding and sunshine today. Tomorrow is packing and preparing.


I am sitting on a huge worn log, what remains of a retaining wall here at an old logging camp, looking out at a near relation of Hood Canal, a northwest fjord of depth and beauty. I think that my lips are sunburned for the weather is continuing to follow a fair and sunny pattern, though the wind against us today brought up old bad memories of why I dislike kayaking. However, we soldiered through it and traveled eight miles south to a camp where we could practice wet exits in a calm and protected environment. The wind is dying now as the land begins to cool for the evening and the calm seems to have fallen over land and sea kayakers alike. A fire has been lit behind me and birds call to each other across the still air, the sunlight sending last rays of hazy sweetness streaming through the marches of steep hills across from me. Ghee rice and lentils tonight. I have promised to try to teach my cook group more and to do less for them, a legit complaint. Wildlife today: an otter who found us as curious as we found it, and a doe and fawn on the water's edge attending to some secert task that only they know. To see the sea-edge grass set against these rotting pilings, softly nodding tufted heads is a type of music made solid. Salal grows here, and blackberry and salmonberry, but it is the wrong season for them all. I try not to share too much and to relax into being a member of the group and in most times, I succeed. I do not know how sore I will be tomorrow, yet. I had forgotten that exquisite moment of panic that arrives when yu realize that you are stuck upside down in the water and the agonizing second before remembering the way out of this mess. I hope for a solid night's sleep tonight and a french braid in the morning.

11 July 2009


I don't feel as though I have been inspired to any great poetical heights of journal writing yet, but I will defend myself by saying the physical exertion and true wilderness section of this trip will not start until tomorrow, when you will see a boost in journal entry interest. However, today was out at 7am and in at 6pm by car and ferry, highway and logging road to a truly remote and beautiful town with snow capped peaks abounding and salt water at our feet. Originally a mill town, but now they just truck the logs out while. There is a campfire going and two social girls keeping the conversation flowing. I feel as though a more through packing list should be written for this course, for there are a number of things that I had to rent. Also silly things like mint extract and shower stuff, most unnecessary but happiness-promoting. Our two instructors, Ken and Gene are excellent and inoffensive, but I wish there was a female leader for me to study and question and bond with, also to help bond the group more. It will happen informally with time, but I know there are other soft-skill strategies. Dinner did not turn out as well as hoped, for too many cooks made me doubt my methods and I added milk which made the cheese stringy and the noodles soupy. Thank goodness I am not yet banned from the kitchen. I am tired though it is early yet and the alpenglow still bounces a warm pink glow into this tent and the evening birds still sing. I am worried that all my things will get wet. I am worried that I will be too weak to keep up. I talk too much and say stupid things. Let it go. Live in the moment.

10 July 2009


Day One at NOLS Sea Kayaking and Sailing. At the HQ in Conway, WA for all of today, talking and prepping, meeting and getting a group feel, waiting through review and picking up a few ideas and tidbits of new information. Like to blow out the last flame of a whisperlite. And other things that seem to be blurring together for me at the moment. I am sitting in the library where I will not be distracted or cold and drooling at the collection of books and videos and papers behind me, wishing I had such easy access all the time so I could absorb some of the knowledge contained here. I suppose that I will have to learn by doing instead. Today started at4:45am and tomorrow will be a ten hour travel day--north and north and north and then finally west across Vancouver island. It's a more exotic location than I expected and I hope it is worth the effort to get there. So far the staff are enthusiastic, the food is good, the gear is quality, and the trip more cushy than I expected. The paddling will still be difficult, surely, but it is a thing I will face when it arrives. Hope for fair weather! Pleasant seas and skies and wind that blows in two weeks. There are several rooms here that are alluring. The library, of course, and the rations room with clean counters, an abundance of small plastic bags, and big bins of food. Also the gear room, which I tried not to spend much time in because I was afraid I would want it all. There is a group of backpackers prepping to go out too, and getting to overhear their process and travel plans has been interesting as well.

First Pictures from Sailing

First Pictures from Sea Kayaking


5:15 pm, Friday July 10th. I am sitting in the computer room, surrounded by mail, wearing new shoes, contemplating a new fancywork project for later this evening. Computer is loading pictures, Mariner's game is on in the background, and I am actually, despite all common sense, supremely happy right now. Twelve hours ago I woke up in Conway, WA, wet with dew and knowing it was useless trying to go back to sleep. Tea in the library, walking and talking, wrapping up and bidding farewell to my coursemates. Finally getting my Hug of War hug, with minimal awkwardness, driving home with my parents and Sam. Gifts and good food and a bath sometime soon. Most important of all, the possibility of adventures hovering in the near future keeps me looking forward. Pictures to come soon.

09 June 2009

and on the wide sea rode a full-blowing sail

I promised myself that I would update this before I leave. Tomorrow. At an ungodly hour. And then it is off for packing and sorting and lectures and traveling, then paddling and soreness and hunger and not fitting in to the group, as per usual. Here's to hoping that all my fears are easily overcome, and that a whale does not decide to rise to the surface with my boat in the way.


I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967).

26 May 2009


Sorry so long. I've been in class from 8 till six, which results in running around from 7 till 8 and then collapsing in bed and falling asleep while the light is still shining outside. I'm a Wilderness First Responder now, and the happy owner of an Aerie Medical t-shirt, thanks to a strong score on the written examination. I'm hoping for some hot tubbing this evening to soak away the long day before I once again fall into a deep deep sleep.

14 May 2009


Ug. Not a good morning. I took the GRE, and did pretty well on the verbal, not so hot on the math, and I won't know about the writing for a while. I think I will have to take it again next year, though how I will improve my math score is debatable, as they aren't really testing math skills, just convoluted numbers skills. I'll know how to pace myself better anyhow. I'm glad it is done. That's all I have to say to that.

10 May 2009

words of wisdom

I'm not going to the giant graduation ceremony in the Adams Center, so I will miss out on the inspirational speaker. But Timothy Egan more than makes up for it.


08 May 2009

pink and orange

I am very enamored of my resume at the moment. Cream linen press paper + tiny accent of spring color + excellent layout, content, yadda yadda. I don't want to give them away to my professors, who I am sure will immediately recycle them when my exit interview is over.

Yesterday was my last day of classes, but it was far too exhausting to enjoy or savor. However, I would like to say that I kicked butt on the second part of the Dendrology test, and I can't wait to go in next week to get my results. If my spelling is as good as I think it is, there was only one tree that I was not absolutely sure of. Stupid Juglandaceae and its bitter butter wal nuts.

I am currently wasting time before portfolio review, all dressed up with no where to go. I wanted to bring in my entire portfolio--all eight binders worth, but it weighs over thirty pounds and I'm in heels and a silk skirt. And rain threatens. I have thirty five cents with which to buy breakfast. I believe that is enough for a nutrigrain bar. Hmm.

03 May 2009


For you, pretty vintage graduation dress. I'm pretty sure it looks better in real life than in the pictures, which were taken in the bathroom, with horrible lighting. And I'm not wearing the right shoes. I'm not sure I have the right shoes, come to think of it. What goes well with a black grad gown and a light yellow cotton dress? I made the belt, as the dress had lost its own. It has a pretty floral pattern with is hard to see in photos. Also spent a great deal of time ironing it, with mostly good results, except that SOMEHOW the iron picked up some melty black goo halfway through and transferred it to the dress and I can't get it out. It isn't very noticeable, but I was very upset.

01 May 2009


This is a very representative picture of me. Note the bemused expression.
From my perch in the chemistry building. It was snowing! Definitely not a lounge-on-the-oval day.
The room packing has begun. I need to buy some white thread, and borrow a iron and board. I've finished my little project for Teralyn. All Things Considered is giving me graduation advice. That is my status update.

29 April 2009


I am playing a game with the NPR archives where I type in a phrase that I am interested in, and then listen to the many stories it feeds back to me. I am designing a tshirt for a friend meantime. I have a test tomorrow. A test on tuesday. Three tests on next thursday. A final exit portfolio presentation on friday. Three tests during finals week. So if you were wondering what my life was like right now, I suggest you don't. It's too overwhelming. Perhaps I will clean some more this evening. Perhaps I will type up some more recipes for my summer tripper cook book. Or perhaps I will study for a test.

22 April 2009

brandi carlile (correct spelling)

Walking from Higgins Alley to the Wilma. It was a longer walk than Morgan realized. I liked it though. 80 degrees yesterday! And my pretty red shoes (Three! compliments on the shoes, and all asked where they came from) aren't too bad for walking.
The Wilma is this beautiful old theater, falling apart, but still so interesting with big chandeliers and carvings and an organ and a decorative proscenium. Brandi liked it so much she decided to sing a song completely unplugged and walked out to the apron with the twins to do so. People stayed really quite and it was magical. In general there was great energy and people were there to listen to the music and the concert just clicked for the performers and the audience. At one point she broke us up into three parts and had us learn a three part harmony and I felt like it was summer camp on a Sunday in the lodge. Wonderful.
All set up and ready for the show. We chose to sit at the very front of the balcony, which we some mighty nice seats, and way more comfortable than standing in the crowd clustered at the stage.
A good night. I got to explain was bolognese sauce was, and gorgonzola, and gnocchi, and I had a glass of wine like a grown up with my chicken marsala, and my hair was wavy like it would be if I could tell my hair what I wanted it to do naturally. So despite too busy schedules and not enough time to relax, I would say that this was an excellent birthday present.

21 April 2009

scenes from today

I'm going out tonight! Brandi Carlisle, and dinner. Pretty rockin'. The only catch is I wanted to go out to this nice restaurant that Morgan likes, but there isn't anything on the menu I eat.
Sunny day. Playing with color accent on the camera.
Being demo girl in Dendrology class. Here we are at Sitka mountain-ash.
Ready for tree class!
This is about half of the trees we are supposed to know by now!

20 April 2009

first photos

ella and the duke

I'm waiting for my new camera battery to charge so that I can post pictures from my new camera. I have a play to read and two papers to write, and my roommate got all uppity about the dishes, and I want to go to Jazzoula tonight, but everything is busy, so I might go late, and leave early, which is not ideal. Tomorrow I want to go so well, be gussied up, eat dinner at a real place, drink delicious wine, listen to Brandi Carlisle (my birthday tickets!). Listening to NPR This American Life. I need to do laundry. No clean underwear is a sad situation.

12 April 2009

laundry list

A week later, and I have finally gotten my ice cream delivery, and it was delicious. Warm weather has come to Missoula, my bike has been rescued from its exile at the library, I read an Alice Hoffman book that I did not enjoy, my room is clean and boxes are starting to pile up with notes that say summer or storage. I got my hands on the Tuscan Blood Orange smell that makes Morgan drool (what is it with guys and food based smells?), downloaded free songs from Amazon, researched digital cameras and made a decision (and now I am done, Mom, I am not reading any more reviews), talked to my brother about dorm rooms and majors and summer camp. And I was visited by one of the well known ladies of the blog world, who commented on this blog that no one reads!

This week: study for weekly tree test, theater history group meeting, theater history movie watching, final drafting project finishing up, making a hair appointment, and maybe a tooth appointment, and dredging up a GRE test prep book, oh and driving. I'm determined. This week.

06 April 2009

theater history

I am making tea in the english style. Black with milk and sugar. In hopes that it will propel me through this next section of my paper. It is so hard to work on this take home test monster, and of course it is due tomorrow, and I didn't get as much done because just when break ends the weather gets nice. So I am trying to create motivators. I have three more sections. Eight more pages. Three more hours to work. I was trying to convince someone to bring me ice cream--that would have been an excellent reason to write a few pages, but he's too tired. Boo. I had my last advising meeting today. One more drafting assignment before I am done with that.

30 March 2009

background music

Last night we were driving at night, heading east to this strange little resort, searching for a radio station to cover the gap between cities where not much can be found on the airwaves. So we left the search function on, until it magically found a station on Copper Radio, Dick Clark's Rock Roll and Remember. And so we were transported for a time to 1961, with every third song being a Buddy Holly and the Crickets hit. This was in stark contrast to the world outside the car, which was this amazing and scary parallel universe of sideways wind and swirling snow crystals and ice and distant, diffused headlights.

It is spring break, though spring has not reach Montana yet. I'm trying to remember how to relax and just let things happen, rather than always lookng forward to getting to the next activity. It is nice not to be wearing black. I made dinner last night. I am reading the Poisenwood Bible, which is the last Barbara Kingsolver book for me, until she writes another. Been putting this one off, just because I know there will be no more new ones for a while. There is a spa here, but I can't quite justify getting an expensive massage. Sigh. Gary Warchola, you better pay up when you get back from Utah. You still owe me for those textbooks.

22 March 2009


Sorry about the long time no posting, but today is my DAY OFF. And I am day-offing it, listening to new music, checking my blogs, snuggling under covers, etc. If only I could have slept in a little longer, but instead went out to breakfast with my early bird parents, and sleepy grump Morgan. Got: books and new jeans (well, goodwill-new), and funny dollar store items for the run crew of Guys and Dolls, as I will not have any more free time before closing night. Btw, we did poke several holes in the black scrim, shattered a few glass lamps, we yelled at by the TD, and generally tech was kind of headachey. Things are a lot better now that we are not adding or changing things so much anymore. I might get to go on a mini trip for spring break. Not that staying here isn't nice, but I'd like to see more of Montana and soak in some hot springs, and ride on a motorcycle like an awesome girl. I wish May were further away.

08 March 2009

immediate concerns

My birthday is this week. I would like to ask that we not tear big holes in the scrim or shatter glass all over the stage. This is my birthday wish. It is hard for me to think in complete sentances right now. It is hard for me to sit in a chair right now. I generally walk in small circles backstage, pacing, waiting for another scene change to arrive. I love french toast. Generally I look forward to tech week. But somehow, I have the feeling that all my brilliant problem solving abilities will not serve me during these techs. Headstands tomorrow in yoga. I have never successfully done such a thing, so we will see how that goes.

07 March 2009

little post

Wait wait don't tell me! had a limerick about how blogging makes college students happy! I am enjoying a small unexpected break, and trying to decide if I should buy a cute date outfit on Forever 21. I did get more vitamins, Fish and Flax Oil, yum.

04 March 2009


It's like I know that this really great source of attention, and snuggles, and random lazy chatter is out there, just beyond my grasp, and if I only had the time I could enjoy those lovely experiences. But I don't have the time and so the ideal hovers and taunts me. Want. Want. Want.

03 March 2009

herding cats

I'm in rehearsal. But I am also backstage and online and am taking a short break from shushing the actors to go type type type. The reason I am back here is that there needs to be a backstage mother who can figure out the hellacious scene changes. So I am madly plotting and have managed to get up through Act One with some tentative assignments. These actors aren't as good at remembering as my Merry Wives ones, so nothing is working like the paperwork says. But I am trying anyhow. Scene change coming up.

Back. After my props meeting today I spent a very pleasant three hours. So pleasant, in fact, that I forgot to eat dinner, and my substitute Mountain Dew is starting to wear thin. Ah well. The adventure was worth it. Occasional good distractions are so worth it.

02 March 2009

silly gooseness cont.

There must be something in the water around this department, like an early spring fever. People are pairing off, or trying to, all over the place. Twitterpated, that's the word. I guess the weather has been kind of nice recently.

I feel like I am out of favor with my director, like everything is never any good, like all is chaos, like I am going to fail all my classes and especially this test tomorrow. I've got a props meeting tomorrow, and paper tech on thursday. And so much more. I just hate the feeling that there is nothing I can do to make at least one aspect of my life make sense. There's a dinner date that I can't even schedule, no two hour chunk of time to unwind and laugh and feel a pleasant fizz buzz of meeting someone new.

25 February 2009


I am a silly goose, according to Morgan. And perhaps it is true. I just ordered food to be delivered to the drama department. Am tired and hungry and worn out and really don't want to eat another stale bagel from the UC for dinner. So am having chicken peanut curry instead. Purr.

23 February 2009

seeking calm

I'm sitting in the quiet room in the UC, which generally feels too much like a tomb, but today I am hoping it will give me the piece of mind that I need to sit down and write this paper. I am not going to yoga today, because the instructor clearly asked people not to come when they are sick/ certain other Ashtanga-y reasons. So I am trying to use the time efficiently. I am having a jumpy, unattractive, unsettled day, which really wasn't helped by running into people who make me even more jumpy before I had had my breakfast cup of tea. I was all flustered and my hair was still wet and my ugly coat was on and I just wanted to hide. And as that was impossible, I was catty and awkward and tried to make it better by texting afterwards, which of course made it WORSE. I sent in some of my paperwork for NOLS and NYC, though each of them will require a second mailing. I am behind in my drafting catchup, behind in my drawing for sporky, amazingly behind in cleaning the kitchen, and I haven't heard from Laura in a week. I am nervous. And drawn out.

19 February 2009

muzzy brain

I feel uckily sick and I've just run out of cold medicine. Oh no! There was a moment in the afternoon where I didn't feel so bad, and made three dishes: croutons, apple cherry cobbler, and mac and cheese, in a half hours time. I also ate dinner of bagel and cream cheese and strawberry yoghurt. I don't know what was going on there. It is too bad I felt so bad for my under studied tests today. It lowered my already slim chances. The busy is slightly less, but the dial is still in the red zone of TOO MUCH TO DO.

15 February 2009

vitamins and three hours till rehearsal

I've been transfer down from an ugly jacket into plastic bags, and as a result I have a fine layer of feathers coating me and my room. But I managed to extract four gallon bags and a nalgene bottle worth out of the whole deal, and as a result, I am feeling pleased. I finished my bivy, and while it is not the prettiest thing in the world, I think it will work well, and pack up small. I think it weighs just under a pound, because I used heavy waterproof stuff for the bottom. But that means I won't need to carry a groundcloth with me, just an extra piece of foam for my head, and maybe a trash bag for my pack. I think it will be welcome for trail crew.

In case anyone is interested, I was looking in my medicine cabinet this morning and was rather impressed by the number of vitamin and supplements that I am taking at the moment. Witness:

Centrum Multivitamin: maybe 2x a week
Vitamin C: maybe 2x a week
Vitamin B Complex: everyday
Flax Seed Oil: everyday
St Johns Wort: everyday
Arnica and Advil: while my ankle is healing
Green Defense Droplets: whenever I need to swallow a pill, I squirt some into my water

My general goal is not to be sick as I was last semester, and to have energy. B12 is also supposed to help the skin some, which never hurts.
Now wasn't that exciting?

14 February 2009

camp and curry

Summer Camp

I've been browsing NPR archives with the search term "summer camp" and have discovered a wealth of stories. I also found this lovely online magazine issue, which makes good reading.

I had delicious chicken peanut curry today, and got a package in the mail from seattle, with the usual chocolate and the distinctly odd fresh lemons.

Put up some new wall decorations. Planning on working on finishing my bivy when I can tear myself away from the radio. Slowly compiling a packet for the tripping program. I scored another $3 down jacket at Goodwill today, and a couple of new free books from the exchange. If only I could bear to part with more books I already own.

tackling the pile

I've been cleaning my room this morning, though I haven't gotten as far as the clothing pile, which is a really strange phenomenon that seems to occur in my room where the small number of discarded clothes breeds and multiplies in an unnoticed corner. It also seems to be magnetized, as even seemingly untouched, unworn clothing is drawn to add to the heap. I pretty sure there's a good horror movie plot in there somewhere. I swear I don't have that many clothes, especially as a good chuck are in storage, and I've thrown away or goodwilled a number of trash bags recently. And it still always seems like I have nothing flattering to wear.

09 February 2009


Last night I fell off the loading dock and hurt my ankle. I took care of it immediately, and today I went to Curry, where they took X-rays, and were very unhelpful. I'm pretty bummed about all of it--the pain, the limping, the slowness, the impossibility of working out, getting in late to class. Walking is what I do, and it's a big part of how I define myself. And I have to go back to Curry later this week for a tetanus shot and for them to sign my NOLS paperwork. All of which they will charge me for. The only thing they told me today was that it "probably wasn't broken" which I was well aware of.

07 February 2009

sexy summer schedule

Graduation: May 16th
WFR: May 18-27
NOLS Sail and Sea Kayak: June 10-July 10
Four Winds Camp: July 18-August 29
NYC LDP: September 24-November 5

Do you notice that I have a nice big break in September? That is prime time for going on a hike in Mt. Rainier National park. Some nice alone time, which I won't have much of otherwise. And good weather time. No bugs, no snow. Nods. Exciting adventure time. There's not enough time to do the whole Wonderland Trail, but I could do Sunrise to Paradise, and go through Mowich again. I would get to use my poncho tarp and my bivy. I'm thinking just over a week, with a rest day in the middle. It wouldn't cost too much, just food (which I have some of, can take some from parent's house, and buy the rest) and the $20 wilderness permit. I'll have to decide soon, cause the campsites go by lottery.

I am done with the writing proficiency assesment! I have no food except for oatmeal, and one bag of noodles. I have to reteach myself how to draft today. Blech. I love AutoCAD so much more than hand drafting.

04 February 2009


Ten minutes before I go off to yoga, so I thought I would try to write something quick quick. I can't actually write very quickly anymore, because my "s" key has stopped working correctly, so whenever I want to type that letter I have to stop and hold down and make sure that it has shown up on the screen. It definitely interrupts the flow.

Rehearsal, a play to read, a paper to write, a test to study for, and much prep for exam to do. So, a busy day, especially as I leave in five minutes and don't return until 10:30ish. At some point this semester I am going to take the GRE (not the GED as I accidentally wrote on my to-do list) and when you take it, you get four schools to send it to for free. And all others require a fee to be paid. Which means that I have to go research schools, even though I'm not quite sure what I want to study or where to go or what to look for. Or when I will go, for that matter. The GRE score are good for five years.

Okay, I"m off.

31 January 2009

everybody loves saturday night

I dropped off a load of clothing at Goodwill today, and then managed to limit myself to only returning home with three new items of clothing. All are super cool finds: a green raincoat from REI from the 80's with the old logo, and it was only a dollar! also: a silk/wool/nylon blend sweater that is lightweight and soft and fits nicely, and then the final item is an early 90's down jacket from Columbia that is reversible (pink to aqua). I like to enough to wear it, but more likely I will use the down for a summer sleeping quilt in a future gear project.

Then it was off to the Book Exchange, where I turned in some books, and got a few back in return, and I still have nine dollars in credit for a future book-emergency. In other book related news, I love finding strange old books in our musty, airless library here on campus, and over the break I picked up Echoes of Puget Sound which was incredibly charming and kind of a cross between Anne of Green Gables and The Good Rain. My new goal is to make my parents read this book.

Final stop was a Joanie's House of Crap, as it is lovingly known amongst the costumer's in the drama department, more formally called Joanne's. I bought batting to finish off my quilt and was disappointed to find out that they have no mosquito netting of any kind, so I can't finish off my bivy sack with the rest of my outdoor fabrics. I will have to wait or buy it online.

I'm listening to Wait Wait! now, Carrie Fisher is the guest star.

30 January 2009

friday blues

I did not do much today. Spent a lot of time in bed listening to a book on tape and getting free samples. I had to switch my WFR class to May, which means that spring break will be horribly empty, the first without a boy or an adventure. It also means that I will have to find a couch to crash on for a week and a half after I move out of 72o Evans that is near the place the class will happen. Problem after problem. Restocked my kit and made a batch of trail mix and didn't go climbing as I planned. Hopefully Monday. That is all. Meh.

27 January 2009

still a-hurting

i'm just fine until i have to spend time around him. or i see pictures of him and his best friend/ex girlfriend, who he still has feelings for, together newly posted on facebook, and comments like, "who's the hunk" written on her facebook page. and then i just feel completely off balance and bitter and used. it might not be so bad if he actually cared, or ever liked me, or felt remorse? i don't know. this drives me crazy. i just want it to go away.

view from the top

Tuesdays and thursdays are busy days for me, with one class right after the other. I do have a thirty minute break before Music of World's People, which for some strange and unknown reason is held in a grungy sort of room in the Chemistry building. I'd never been in chem before today, and actually had to look it up on the map. All of the science buildings sort of blend together in the corner of campus near my house, and I've only been in about half of them. But I was wandering around, waiting for my class to start, and so I climbed the stairs to the very top, where there is a landing, and then a large lab looking room beyond it. More importantly, at the landing at the top of the stairs was a very large window, with a half circle top, and it looked out over the Urey square and then across the oval, and it was kind of sunny and kind of snowing and everyone was out walking, and I was finally warm after being inside for ten minutes, and so I sat down in front of that window in a convienantly placed chair, and turned on my new/old ipod and listened to music for twenty minutes while eating a health food bar. It was extremely nice.

Bought the rest of my books. Rehearsal to-night, as always. Thinking of being lame and eating frozen chicken nuggets for dinner. With some leftover pasta. Oh, and some carrots. So it would be healthy.

24 January 2009

late night, daffodil dress

well, my internet was working when I left. But now it’s asking for an encryption key, and I cannot connect. Nothing to do but cross fingers and hope that tomorrow it will magically be fixed. I left the party a little early, while I was still happy and the champagne was still fizzing in my veins and the presence of certain people was still not an issue. As the crowd started to thin out, it was a little harder to ignore, and I couldn’t keep following teralyn around. I was pleased with the show, and I will miss having jim sontag around. And I hope that I do very very well this semester and everyone is pleased with me and they hire me for next year’s tour, though if I do well it will mean that guys and dolls does well, which means that annie will have done well which means that they’d probably hire her. I don’t know. A carful of nice elderly theater patrons gave me a ride home, as I was planning on walking in my heels and bare legs and it is 15 degree and Hellgate windy and snowing. It was pleasant. They enjoyed the show as well. Tomorrow is busy, but not stressful. Everything after that though…we’ll see. oh, and i got a ton of compliments on my dress. it is a fun dress. yellow and twirly and vintage. not exactly a I'm desirable and don't you wish you still had me dress, but cute and different and i'm a carefree, vintage dress sort of libriaian sort of girl and I spread 50's joy around me. So that was a good choice. Portfolios were a mixed bag, mostly good, nothing terrible. If i were looking for work, I would have had about four offers, I think.

23 January 2009


If you're interested in cooking, you're also just naturally interested in art, in love and in culture.
(Madame Jehane Benoit, The Canadian, 1974)

22 January 2009


I've gotsa to think of interesting issues to talk about for five minutes at portfolio reviews. I'm just bringing along my Merry Wives binder and calling script, which i have prettied up. My resume is done, at least until I can find a critical eye to help me. Oh, maybe I figured out how to convert it to pdf, so I can put it up here as a link? Hmm. No, I'm not quite advanced enough to do that. Interesting issues with MWW (with will sound boring to most): Michael didn't like my blocking style, changed way I did blocking, new technique. Dinner at the Garter Inn. Not having an ASM until late late late. Scrabbling for run crew and The Big Change and using actors. The set breaking before first tech. Getting sick. Making a ton of cuts during final tech. The high school matinee. Well, that's a start. Big. Senior. Project. Plus. Panel. Portfolio. Presentation. Not the makings for a pleasent weekend.

21 January 2009

Education, experience, skills...don't go over one page!

How long have I been a blogger? I'm trying to decide what special skills are special enough to go on my new resume. It's driving me crazy. And I know they will hate it, since it is the first version and they've asked me to change so many things. ARGH. Portfolios.

19 January 2009

keeping busy

I've made some rootbeer extract. Ingredients: birch bark, wintergreen, ginger root, dock root, cloves, sarsparilla. I had a good time at Butterfly Herbs. I've put up some fun stained glass, and spent some lazy, febreeze filled hours with Liz Goldie and Maddy. I've thrown away three garbage bags full of clothes and started making a second quilt. I still need to finish folding clothes in my room, but before I do that I really need to do laundry before the semester begins. I have packages coming to me. Vitamins, and gift-certificate clothes, and something that smells delicious.

15 January 2009

second post

It is late, but my mother wanted to talk from St Louis, and so I am still up and thinking. I want to buy this piece of property in Kettle Falls, WA, and build a 20 x 20 foot cabin that is cool in summer and warm in winter. I finally gave up on the Chico's clothes, and bought a bunch of underwear and yoga clothing from their sister site, which is not as exciting as an orange suede jacket, but I am certain to wear it more often. I need to do some sort of clothing purge. Laura is in town, so maybe she can come look and decide if anything is hippie-dorable, so I won't feel such parting loss. I have plans to make some homemade rootbeer syrup in the near future. This has not felt like a very productive day, I am afraid.

weight of the world

I am listening to a birdsong CD. My goal is to listen to this cd all the semester until I have it memorized, and so be able to amaze my hiking partners with my bird identification skills. I am also trying to use a Chico's gift card that my aunt gave to me, but the website keeps freezing up halfway through checkout. I don't usually shop at Chico's, but I found a couple of really cute jackets that I want, that are on sale, and if the website doesn't cooperate, I will be kind of upset. One is orange suede. I made some stained glass windows today out of lighting gel samples, and read far to much of a blog written by a girl who built her own cabin at 17, and a sea kayak, and hiked trails, and in general is leading this unique and amazing and very full life. The Northwest Youth Corps lady called me today, and I am not calling her back, partially because I don't feel much like talking to anyone, and partly because I don't know if I want the job. I am nervous about making decisions.

14 January 2009

nom nom

I am going grocery shopping. I had a midterm today. I went swimming today. I have to go to the bank. I am going climbing today.

I made this recipe on Saturday and it was delicious, even though I didn't thicken the sauce enough, and it didn't keep well in the fridge like real Chinese takeout is supposed to. This is quite an accomplishment, as I am terrified of popping, sizzling boiling oil.

Orange Chicken


For the marinade and sauce:
1 ½ lbs. boneless skinless chicken thighs or breasts, cut into 1 ½” pieces
¾ cup low sodium chicken broth
¾ cup fresh squeezed orange juice
1 ½ tsp. grated orange zest
8 thin strips orange peel (optional)
6 tbsp. distilled white vinegar
¼ cup soy sauce
½ cup dark brown sugar
3 medium garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp. fresh grated ginger
¼ tsp. cayenne pepper
1 tbsp. plus 2 tsp. cornstarch
2 tbsp. cold water

For coating and frying:
3 large egg whites
1 cup cornstarch
½ tsp. baking soda
¼ tsp. cayenne pepper
3 cups peanut oil (or canola oil)


For the marinade and sauce, place the chicken in a Ziploc bag; set aside. In a large saucepan, combine the chicken broth, orange juice, zest, vinegar, soy sauce, brown sugar, garlic, ginger and cayenne pepper; whisk until the sugar is fully dissolved. Measure out ¾ cup of the mixture and pour it into the bag with the chicken; press out as much air as possible and seal the bag, making sure that all pieces are coated with the marinade. Refrigerate 30-60 minutes, but no longer. Bring the remaining mixture in the saucepan to a boil over high heat. In a small bowl, stir together the cornstarch and cold water; whisk the cornstarch mixture into the sauce. Simmer, stirring occasionally, until thick and translucent, about 1 minute. Off the heat, stir in the orange peel (if using); set the sauce aside.

For the coating, place the egg whites in a pie plate and beat with a fork until frothy. In a second pie plate, whisk together the cornstarch, baking soda and cayenne until combined. Drain the chicken in a colander or large mesh strainer; thoroughly pat the chicken dry with paper towels. Place half of the chicken pieces in the egg whites and turn to coat. Transfer the pieces to cornstarch mixture and coat thoroughly. Place the dredged chicken pieces on another plate or a baking sheet.

To fry the chicken, heat the oil in an 11- to 12-inch dutch oven or straight sided sauté pan with at least 3 qt. capacity over high heat until the oil reaches 350° on an instant read or deep fry thermometer. Carefully place half of the chicken in the oil; fry to golden brown, about 5 minutes, turning each piece with tongs halfway through cooking. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate. Return the oil to 350° and repeat with the remaining chicken.

To serve, reheat the sauce over medium heat until simmering, about 2 minutes. Add the chicken and gently toss until evenly coated and heated through. Serve immediately.

10 January 2009

write it out

The feeling that some one will not miss you when you have left is a bad feeling. It suggests that you shared no part of yourself that was worthwhile, different, that you offered nothing that the other person wanted or needed.

The feeling that you yourself were an experiment for another person is also a bad feeling. It suggests that you are temporary and unimportant in the long term, as the other person attempts to consciously choose to exhibit different behaviors than they are comfortable with, simply to see what a "normal" college male is like.

The statement that the community in the place where I work and live and play considers me a "lost cause in the social realm," stings quite a bit. The idea that I was befriended specially because I was considered a social outcast is also an idea that is not pleasing. This goes back partially into being an experiment.

I do not enter into relationships lightly, and when I do, I try to leave things like uncertainty and doubt at the door, especially at the beginning. This becomes harder as time goes on and I get the feeling that the other person does not care to make such a commitment. I tend to ask myself some pretty simple questions, but for me, they are very important. Does this person make me happy? Do I like myself and how I act when I am around this person? Can I sit down and really talk with this person without too much awkwardness? Do I think that this person likes me?

I don't necessarily want to know that someone tried to act as respectfully as possible throughout our time together. This suggests that it was a conscious effort that needed to be made. Generally, people respect and like their friends freely and simply, without forethought or discomfort. Friends also generally don't view each other as onerous tasks that they are require to see too, and do not see compliments, small gifts, or other signs of affection as signs of commintment or serious deeper feelings, but rather of friendship.

Okay, I'm done.

07 January 2009

good reading

I love this man, Timothy Egan. Love reading what he writes, to myself, out loud to the people I love, giving his books and essays as presents, or sending links to his column in the New York Times. Like this one.

PORT ANGELES, Wash. — A few days into the new year, I stood outside the house and stared into the darkness of a deep winter night at this far western edge of America – defiant on a bone-chilling eve.

It felt lonely and hypnotic here on the Olympic Peninsula, where a jut of land the size of Massachusetts holds an immensity of snow, surrounded on three sides by unknowable depths of gunmetal-gray salt water.

At this northern location, at a latitude equal to Newfoundland, it’s hard not to feel the seasonal blues in all their smothering inevitability. Because there were no big-city lights on the horizon, and clouds veiled a thin moon, the darkness had a particularly strong grip.

I wanted to get inside by the fire, to drink something strong, to eat something sweet, to find a bear’s den of deep sleep. If you live in the north, in places where the sun is an unreliable companion for many months, you can’t escape the urge to hide and hoard in winter.

But this year, I’ve decided to fight lethargy with logic, to welcome the new president, the babies just born, to see something other than closure, dormancy and loss in the annual dark season.

It’s tough, and perhaps absurd, to battle biological imperative. I crave light, pruning high up in the trees around my house to open more patches of sky, keeping the strings of Christmas luminescence hanging into January’s bleakness, checking the daily sunset tables for those few jumps of the clock that will hold back the curtain of night until 4:35 p.m., instead of 4:33.

06 January 2009

the corps

Wow. Do I hate interviews. In general, I hate things that I am not skilled at, and even though I've had a lot of practice in the last four years, it has helped only incrementally in my interviewing prowess. It is also not good that the program I applied for is really challenging and hard and I don't know if I will enjoy it or if I would be miserable for the whole six weeks.Making these sorts of decisions seems to chop off all these other nebulous possibilities, that are kind of unreal and almost as scary. I don't know. I've gotta have some sort of future plan or I will be stuck moping around Missoula for the next how many years.

Mmm. Hungry. I feel like cooking, something kind of impressive, which I would then like to share with friends. The state of my kitchen is a slight problem. I could also clean up after last night, read some homework, something to keep me busy and not thinking about selling myself to strangers.

04 January 2009

let it be

Things that I do not like: being late. Feeling trapped. Feeling invisible. Being hunted. Unavoidable awkward moments.

I cannot quite tell how things are going. Mostly good. But then there are weird moments of disconnect, and I being to doubt that things are sincere. I guess this is just paranoid Allie talking. My roommate should come home today, and I will do a quick sweep for last minute messy things, and give him his silly little alcoholic gift, and then I will show him the energy bill. Growl.

Maybe I will go back to bed. Checks to deposit and books to pick up and senior project papers to write and a future to worry about, and right now the only thing that sounds really appealing is curling up in the last spot of residual warmth and day dreaming for a few hours.

03 January 2009

tick tock

I am back in Missoula, where there is real blue sky, and lots of snow. But at least here there is supposed to be snow. I am sitting in my living room, waiting. Waiting for a phone call, waiting for my roommate to get back, waiting for school to start, waiting for some motivation to clean the kitchen. My living room is bright and sunny and a little more decorated than last I was here. It calls for a game night, I think. We certainly have enough seating. I would like not to waste this whole weekend. Brr. I hate waiting for plans to form. My patience has run out on me. How to keep myself busy? I don't have anything that I can cook, nor money to spend, I guess I have a sewing project to work on, but that would involve making a mess of the nice clean spaces. So. Ideas?