10 January 2009

write it out

The feeling that some one will not miss you when you have left is a bad feeling. It suggests that you shared no part of yourself that was worthwhile, different, that you offered nothing that the other person wanted or needed.

The feeling that you yourself were an experiment for another person is also a bad feeling. It suggests that you are temporary and unimportant in the long term, as the other person attempts to consciously choose to exhibit different behaviors than they are comfortable with, simply to see what a "normal" college male is like.

The statement that the community in the place where I work and live and play considers me a "lost cause in the social realm," stings quite a bit. The idea that I was befriended specially because I was considered a social outcast is also an idea that is not pleasing. This goes back partially into being an experiment.

I do not enter into relationships lightly, and when I do, I try to leave things like uncertainty and doubt at the door, especially at the beginning. This becomes harder as time goes on and I get the feeling that the other person does not care to make such a commitment. I tend to ask myself some pretty simple questions, but for me, they are very important. Does this person make me happy? Do I like myself and how I act when I am around this person? Can I sit down and really talk with this person without too much awkwardness? Do I think that this person likes me?

I don't necessarily want to know that someone tried to act as respectfully as possible throughout our time together. This suggests that it was a conscious effort that needed to be made. Generally, people respect and like their friends freely and simply, without forethought or discomfort. Friends also generally don't view each other as onerous tasks that they are require to see too, and do not see compliments, small gifts, or other signs of affection as signs of commintment or serious deeper feelings, but rather of friendship.

Okay, I'm done.


James said...

You need to stop blaming your self for this I relies that given the subject matter it is pretty easy to think this happened because you are flawed but that is bushtit this kind of thing happens because the doer is either ignorant, selfish, cruel, or some combination of there of that is a fact that cane be proven by the fact that this happened and yes you are right every relationship is a to way streak and every body makes mistakes but look at the facts of the situation he lied and manipulated the situation one of the major reasons this happened is the reasons he did it which is some thing that is completely out of your hands and other peoples misguided perceptions of you are, contrary to popular belief, is not your fault just because someone chooses to walk down a dark street doesn’t mean that it is there fault they get mugged regardless how he preseaves his actions he acted maliciously and with deceit
And as I said relationships are a to way streak so what a person gets or remembers out of it is just as much what they take as what the other person gives if he left the relation ship whit out being better for it he is to blame ignoring is a verb preformed only by one of the people involved and there is and was nothing you can do to make his open his eyes if he didn’t take any thing away from this that is his fault not yours

Ari Hargrave said...

I'm going to have to agree with James on this one. I don't know the details, but you can't blame yourself for the behavior of others. If he went into this with the intention of doing whatever it was he did, then nothing you could have done, nothing you could have shown him, nothing you could have taught him or helped him experience would have changed the outcome. Trust me. I've been there.

And for the record, I miss you. I may not show it, but I do.

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie:

I find it just a little frustrating that we are wasting the limited amount of precious time which life provides us.

When we are young, time seems infinite. The body seems immortal. We think that there will always be the time to say what needs to be said to our friends, our loved ones, and even our perceived adversaries.

My strong hunch is that you will find greater happiness when you allow yourself to disclose your feelings; take an active interest in what others around you are feeling, thinking, and hoping for; and otherwise share your life with those who come into it. This is easy for some, yet hard for others.

Yor unique, incredible qualities are so numerous. You are perhaps the single most brilliant person I have ever known. Your passion for knowledge is unsurpassed. You have a quirky sense of humor which needs to show up more often-- the world needs much more smiling and laughter. And, by the way, you are stunningly beautiful.

Yet I worry that you are not willing to truly share yourself with others. There is risk in that, surely. Sometimes when we give, others refuse to take. Sometimes we get flat-out rejected, and that really hurts. Yet without being willing to trust and share, finding real, true friends will always be quite difficult. All relationships have risk. Just as everything good in this life carries risk.

Perhaps your greatest gift is your ability to listen to your heart, and to follow the dreams which are in it. A cabin in Kettle Falls? Go fo it! A job working in the wilderness? You are paying attention to what your heart is screaming. This distinguishes you from the masses in a very profound way. Most people don't really know what they want in life, or, if they do, they are afraid to take a chance and follow their dreams.

I watch each and every day to see what you are up to now. It is, by far, the very best aspect of parenting.

Allie, you have the world by the tail, although I rather suspect you do not see it from your present vantage point. Whatever you decide to do, you will do with commitment, passion, brilliance, and creativity. Life will always and forever have its disappointments. What matters is how we recover from the losses, because if we do not recover, there can be no "wins."

For what it matters, I care for you immensely, and it is my hope that someday we will truly get to know one another. From my end, I hope it is sooner rather than later. Time has such a habit of slipping away.

Love Always,